Away From The Numbers


- by The Undisputed

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A lot of us have been having trouble with the complicated new format for the Scottish Cup. If I understand it correctly, what you do is you take 16 Highland League teams and 20 from the South and East. Put them in a hat with 200grams of plain flour, multiply by the square root of Pythagoras, and simmer slowly. Then take away the number you first thought of and add the name of the bus driver. Or something like that?

Anyway, to test the format, we’ve gone through the process here at AFTN Towers, staging a mock draw, and putting reasonable predictions against the ties and it worked fine (cough). Okay, I admit the winners did come out as … well … Panathanaikos! But only after they beat Golspie Sutherland 5-4 in the final. A spokesman for the Greek club said, “Away to f*ck? Really? Oh well, well done the SFA, and we look forward to representing Scotland in the UEFA Cup."

Complicated, my ar$e.


This week saw a clutch of Euro Qualifiers and Scotland’s trip to Toftir was ‘just like watching East Fife’ as we were fine for one half then tried our best to self-destruct for the other forty-five. Mind you, it did all remind me of the very first time we were drawn to play the Faroes some years back, and Sharpie booked a bus to go to Egypt.


Meanwhile, delighted to see England get a victory in Estonia. No, really. This’ll make sure they’re full of false optimism again and, more importantly, they’ll be stuck wi’ Steve McLaren for another wee while. You can tell they were shitting it before this one though, as they started with their ‘lucky’ red strips, and they had big Crouch on to hump balls to. Estonia’s keeper Mart Poom was clearly unhappy with his defence – he spent the entire game wi’ his bottom lip oot.


Elsewhere in Europe, the biggest surprise was that some Danish guy tried to lamp the ref, and it wasn’t Thomas Gravesen. Also this week, England Under-21’s staged a penalty shoot-out after their game even though it finished 5-0, in the hope that this will help them if they’re involved in a shoot-out in next week’s UEFA Championships. Maybe manager Stuart Pearce should have thought of this a while back.


Finally, there's still a lot of talk on the forum about the Bayview pies that allegedly caused everybody to suffer from the shits the next day. Never mind, if there’s a repeat of this problem, we can all talk about it on that good old Scottish football website, ‘Pie & Bog Roll’.