The story which follows illustrates the plight of the mediocre football player in Scotland.
The seventeenth son of a miner (his father also worked down the pit), the young Robert's ambition to become a policeman was cruelly dashed when he was refused on the grounds that he had always had two parents. His second ambition however was to play at the famous Bayview Park where, as a wee boy, he did what countless generations had done before him. He played tig, pretended to sneeze very loudly when goal-kicks were taken and cried when East Fife got beat.
In 1970 the dream came true when the acne-ridden Robert, still at school, swapped his short trousers for….short trousers and signed for East Fife. "From Outside lavatories to outside left" screamed the newspaper headlines, which was not strictly accurate as Cairns played right-half. Presumably the newshounds were confused by the yellow number 11 so prominent on young Robert's upper lip.
Nevertheless, despite not having the prettiest team in the league, East Fife had one of the best that season and only a profusion of biased Glasgow referees, Patrick Thistle and approximately twelve points stood between them and the Second Division championship. This was celebrated in customary style as James Baxter presented the promotion-winning team with some gifts with a difference. In the spirit of the club, Mr Baxter was promoted from director to chairman the following season.
However, all things pass and, after three years of enthralling relegation tussles, East Fife returned from whence they came and Robert Cairns, clutching his free transfer papers, trudged back to his bothy in Aberhill.
Then came the Autumn of 1978, that inward-looking period when Ally Mcleod and flared trousers suddenly went out of fashion. When the new-look Fifers took the field at Bayview on the opening day of the season, the team included Robert Cairns and were greeted by a ticker-tape welcome by the, surely sarcastic, home fans.
But Robert's scarecrowesque appearance fooled nobody and the Bayview boo-boys laid siege. The chief exponent was an old bloke in a dirty blue anorak. In between the abuse, which was applied liberally, he attempted to sell his car to any unfortunate within range.
Robert Cairns withstood a veritable storm of vocal projectiles from this particular gentleman every week for around three years before proferring retaliation of a gesticular nature. The scene which followed was not for the squeamish, resulting in two policemen removing the, by now, highly agitated man from the ground.
Our hero was next seen at Bayview as a forlorn looking coach, rather hopefully seeking anonymity behind the altogether more outrageous figure of Gavin Murray.
Robert Cairns was something of a minority amongst East Fife players. Robert did not commute to and from the exotic, picturesque villages of Bathgate or Whitburn. Nor for him were the quaint delights of cream teas in Ballingry. No. Robert Cairns was born and brought up in Methil itself.
In truth, the famously fickle Fife fans must have been looking forward to a bumper season of verbal warfare, thinly disguised as criticism. The team included such luminaries as Ken Mackie and Jim George, and now Robert Cairns had returned for more of the same. In fairness, Cairns was prepared for the onslaught. He had obviously done some training, subsequently putting on about four stones around his middle, and disguised himself as a famous T.V. personality - Worzel Gummidge.
by ANGUSFIFER