B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S. v MISC MORTON (27/3/04)

There was a lot of doubt in the air at 10.30am, with so many questions unanswered. Where were the opponents? Who would play in goals with Pete seemingly dispossessed of the prestigious No. 1 jersey? Had the referees voice broken since his last run-out in Stirling? Would the BASTARDS squad be whomped again?

Shortly after 11am, some of these questions were answered. Gordon's dad did a magnificent job in retrieving the lost Westerners and one by one they run from the Savoy Pavilion. The goalkeepers jersey went to a veteran campaigner named Ian, although Neil did consider putting a spritely blue-topped goalkeeping genius between the sticks after he impressed during the warm-up.

Lining up in a typical 4-4-2 formation, Gordon had retained his position after an impressive showing in Airdrie, Neil and Sean were recalled to the backline. Doug was pushed into midfield and there were debuts for Sparticus and Donald.

The Methil Men started brightly, Doug was driving the team forward from midfield aided by Stud who tackled ferociously like a dog. Had he been a dog and someone had tackled him, they would be sent off for violent conduct, this was learned by the Twinnies who quizzed the match official on refereeing trivia before the match. Beware, in future if you do lash out at stray dogs crossing the field the referee will dismiss you.

Anyway, Sparticus opened the scoring after a through ball by possibly Ace but details are patchy. BASTARDS did well to hold this lead. They defended stoutly throughout. Gordon and Darren in the full-back areas were shutting out the wingers. A second goal soon followed, again it was the debutant Sparticus, slotting home casually after the linesman had wandered off. Just before, there was an amazing enlargement of the Morton penalty box on a scale never likely to be seen again; the Morton keeper handled in the centre circle but the referee was blinded by the sun. Pete was revelling in his role as caretaker manager, yelling at players for no good reason with gusto. No favouritism was shown when he pulled the plug on James' game and slotted himself into the prized right-wing position. However, it wasn't long before things went belly-up; Gordon made a valiant effort at keeping the ball out on the line, but he only succeeded in diverting a shot from the wide area into the roof of the net.

And again they steadied themselves but not for too long. A cross was fumbled and the subsequent scramble ended up with the Fifers net bulging. However, this should not reflect badly on the keeper as he did do some good stuff.


After the break, Neil called time on his outing, with Stuart moving in to the centre. It was backs to the wall for most of the half, the Methil men rarely were allowed to leave their own penalty area. When they did occasionally break, it was Stuart who brought them out, on one venture he ran the whole length off the park before blazing a shot over. Morton had a penalty claim turned down for two handballs in succession but neither were intentional. Eventually the goal came for them, the centre-backs were lured out, a fiendish trap they fell for, a cross came in and was deflected home from close range.

This brought the Fifers out, Dave B had stopped saying "Not really" when asked by those on the sidelines if he would like to go on in certain positions, he jumped at the chance to become go on as striker. He chased and harried and was unlucky to not to get more from his efforts. Igor, recently on, was also helping mildly in the pursuit of a goal but the long-haired nancy boy never got the break of the ball at times.

A rare corner for the Fifers gave them a goal. A goalmouth scramble was scuffed home by Dave B to level the game. From then on in, there were a few punts back and forward but nothing came of them.

The referee blew the whistle. A good effort from all involved; a draw was welcome after the last two games. Most headed to the Wellesley for a warm-up to the main event.