players

LONEFIFER (AKA GAFFER)

ZINEDINE D BAND

Home Town: Methil

Height: 7ft 3" in his own mind but 5ft 11" in reality

Position: lucky to get a game

Sporting History:
- Denbeath primary school football team 87-90
- Glenrothes rugby club 2nd row forward 94-96
- Denbeath bowling club champion 2001 (seriously)
- Pool tournament champion at Berwick holiday park 1991
- Adept at most sports ranging from darts, pool, dominoes, poker etc. but shit at football

Pastimes: beer, lager, pies, chips 'n' beans

Can Be Heard Saying: "I'm open, pass here........oh fuck.....sorry"

Most Admired Person: Bob Dylan

Most Hated Person: Sandy Clark (what a fanny though isn't he?)

DARRIN THE CAT

Known as the "Cat", not so much for his goalkeeping exploits, but his fondness to have some pussy before a big game!

Home Town: Lundin Links

Position: Ultimate Utility Player!!!

Sporting History:
- Largo U-13 stalwart (till I was 13!!)
- Midlands Tennis Player
- Junior Club Champion - Lundin Sports Club
- Monthly Medal Winner - Lundin Golf Club March 02
- Pool Champion - Largo Festival 2002
- Last but not least and biggest highlight - Captain of the B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S!!

Pastimes: Eating, Winchin', EFFC, Golf, Captaining the B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S. Irn Bru and Beer

Can Be Heard Saying: "Goal-side Igor for f***s sake"

Most Admired Person: The Gaffer or Ian St John

Most Hated Person: Jim Traynor

Home Town: Methilhill

Height: About 5'10 i think

Position: Currently sitting on a chair, slouched. Used to play left-forward, then left back and left midfield,then had a stint at centre back so any of them

Sporting History: Won Scottish Young Bowlers Association triples back in 2000,not relevant tho! Played for a team called 'Inter Predatoria' years ago in a daft league in Methilhill/Buckhaven. Played for Buckhaven High School senior team and was famous for scoring from about 40 yards (if anyone says it was a cross, don't believe them!)

Pastimes: Football, pool, driving, drinking (not at the same time as driving, don't want to spill it!), 60's rock music, seeing the girlfriend

Can be heard saying: "im knackered"

Most Admired Person: Gordon Strachan

Most Hated Person: David Beckham (is that his real voice?)

Home Town: Crail (currently in Edinburgh)

Position: Who knows. Somewhere in defence

Sporting History:
- Crail Golfing Society Junior team (only cos my mum picked it) say 1997-2000
- Won a prize for turning up for medals everyweek (without ever actually winning one)
- Waid Academy Adrian House Football team 2000/2001 (captain by default)
- Sweet FSA (Uni intermural league) bit part player 2003/2004 (I get a game if no one else turns up)
- 5 aside every week for my flat team (only 5 of us so, again, I'm in it by default)
- Waid Academy cross country 1995-2001. Finished in last 5 every year!!

Pastimes: lager, playstation, potterow friday

Can Be Heard Saying: "Not to me!!!"

Most Admired Person: John Underhill!

Most Hated Person: Sandy clark (worst commentator ever)

Home Town: Kirkcaldy

Height: 5 ft 9 [short arse]

Position: preferably, right back

Sporting History:
- Silver medal, 50m breast stroke [Kirkcaldy Swimming Club]
- Won a Creiff Hydro coaster for 5 aside championship whilst on holiday
- Won a Creiff Hydro pen for winning guests vs staff game on holiday
- Other useless prize for winning u-12 pool tournament [aged 16], on holiday

Greatest Moment: cracking in an injury time left foot volley to take the guests vs staff game, 6-5

Pastimes: beer, championship manager,football

Can Be Heard Saying: "Shit! sorry"

Most Admired Person: Jim Moffat

Most Hated Person: Jim Traynor (goes without saying as to why!)

Home Town: East Wemyss

Height: 5'7" a reckon

Position: Normally found hanging around the bench

Sporting History: Emm.. i scored last night, and am not too bad at Champ Manager, thats about it

Pastimes: Drinking,Champ,Drinking (not always in that order)

Can Be Heard Saying: "It wizni ma fault they scored" and "arrggghhh ma shoulder"

Most Admired Person: Everyone in Iron Maiden

Most Hated Person: I Hate Jimmy Hill, He's A Poof

Home Town: Glenrothes

Height: 5'9 I think

Position: The 69

Potted Profile: Started his career with Inter Milan where he netted 67 times in 177 games for the Italian giants, this caught the eye of then East Fife boss Gavin Murray, who brought him to Bayview in a swap deal with Dougie McCracken. The Milan legend failed to make a single first team appearance at Bayview however and was eventually freed after a short unsuccessful loan spell with Manchester United. Disillusioned with the game Igor retired from football to concentrate on Thornton Golf Clubs Alfred Dunhill cup bid. Upon making his playing comeback for the Methil Milan it is hoped he can recapture the form that earned him the reputation as one of Italy’s most feared wingers. Strong rumours suggest Igor may be on the verge of getting a haircut, his agent however recently dismissed the claims as ‘absurd’

Pastimes: Politics and watching the Fife

Can Be Heard Saying: "call me an ambulance"

Most Admired Person: Leon Trotsky

Most Hated Person: Adam Smith

Home town: Kirkcaldy (fomerly Brazil)

Position: Doggy style or woman on top Oh, you mean football - utility midfielder and all-round star

Sporting history: I grew up in the shanty towns of Rio and was spotted by scouts playing keepy uppy with a boken coke bottle for 17 days. Finally got my first break playing for Corinthians. Scored 74 goals in my first season and there was a scrum from continental Europe for my signature. Join Benfica where I scored 103 goals in my first season. Joined Real Madrid and was there for several years scoring one million goals during and picking up all honours. Voted player of the universe five years in a row beating off the legendary Saturn stiker Pio Pio and defensive Pluto stalwart Nerrtyuive. Thought I'd reached my career pinnacle until I was approached by BASTARD. Delighted to be here.

Pastimes: Super stardom, cocaine-fuelled orgies

Can Be Heard Saying: "How many have I scored now, lost count?"

Most Admired Person: Me

Most Hated Person: My former agent who tried milking my billion pound fortune

Home Village: Lower Largo

Age: 41 going on 24 (tell yer legs that then)

Height: Less than 6' but more than Bertie Miller

Position: lying down gasping for air

Sporting History: loads but you'd just get bored n think I was guid, anyway gave all my talents away to Becks (no not the twat with the thick as mince wife, the beer company)

Pastimes: sex but dont tell the wife

Can Be Heard Saying: nothing usually too outta breath

Most Admired: Ally McLeod (pre 1978)

Most Hated: Ally McLeod (post 1978)

Home Town: Buckhind

Height: Bout 5'6

Position: Left Or Right Full Back

Sporting History: Played for Wellesley United Under 11's, 12's, 13's and 14's. Moved to Glenrothes Strollers played Under 15's. Scored about 10 goals overall. Had to stop playing due to a knee injury

Pastimes: Drinkin, Birds, Champ, Birds and more Birds

Can Be Heard Saying: "Euuuuuuuuaaaaaannnnn Doooonnnnnalllldssssooon!!!!"

Most Admired Person: Anybody who gets me drink

Most Hated Person: Sandy Clark, just coz

ZINEDINE D BAND

Hometown: Methilhill

Position: Defence

Past Glories: Scoring the winning goal in stoppage time for Buckhaven High School against Kirkland after coming on as a sub with about 10mins left. Played in Methilhill District Football Association (league made up by local Under-18s). Gave away two penalties as last man in one game, but never got sent off.

Pastimes: Football, pool, badminton, computing, any music apart from crap stuff, drinking

Can be heard saying: "Push forward, I'll stay back and cover" (Probably due to lack of energy)

Most Admired Person: Frank McAvennie

Most Hated Person: David Seaman for looking like a twat!

B.A.S.T.A.R.D. ::

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